Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
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My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk