Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
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TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
This is I, Robot all over again
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End