It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
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Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Would you wear it?
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!