I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
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I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child