[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
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My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
the #horror is real!
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?