Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
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Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
giddy up Office Depot
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”