Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
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*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.