Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
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sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.