I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
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The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Come back with a warrant
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.