Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
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69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
🤣✨#caturday
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
War & Peace