[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
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My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist