Someone should probably go check on Steve.
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[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover