If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
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No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.