wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
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me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
If you need a laugh.. 😅
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it