A GPS. But for where your story is going.
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It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I was up all night reading about insomnia
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn