*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
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One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
See..?
.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Botany good plants lately?
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off