The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
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[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.