If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
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A couple who are silly together stay together.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.