when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
You Might Also Like
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
🙋♀️
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Noted.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on