I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
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90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.