My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
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I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
I hate everything
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.