me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
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[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.