“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
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i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
#Caturday
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer