after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
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“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.