Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
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Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Anyone want a chair?
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday