Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
You Might Also Like
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Doggies just call it style.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
welcome back
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.