9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
You Might Also Like
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?