The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
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My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?