Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
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a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
That eye roll….
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.