I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
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A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.