last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
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*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho