Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
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In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not