You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
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Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Fiction has to make sense.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?