Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
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i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL