[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
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My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.