I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
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I have never heard an armadillo before.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that