I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
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HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat