*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
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I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
How times have changed.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.