I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
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I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while