Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
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“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
#parenting
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??