I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
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Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.