I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
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[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?