broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
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Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
こいつ天才
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks