Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
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[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
And bowling should be called pinball
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
are there any atheist mantises?
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.