According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
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if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Easy enough.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you