My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
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[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
i meant to share this earlier
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
taking June’s advice to heart
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?