My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
You Might Also Like
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults