me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
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Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
What the hell happened here.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.