my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
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I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
peep davidson
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
tourist season
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
S/o to @funTweeters .
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Looking at you, Jesus.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one