My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
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I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.